Send us your questions about love, life, and pizza toppings. We’ll draw diagrams if necessary.
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 5 years and I’m starting to think he’s scared of commitment. I can barely get him to decide on a favorite type of cheese. How can I bring up the idea of getting married without making it weird?
-Sad About Neverending Dating, Why Is Commitment Hard?
Lucky for you, we’re experts at not making it weird. Here’s what you do: Tomorrow morning, ask him if he wants to eat waffles for breakfast. Tell him you need a firm commitment either way.
When he says yes (because who doesn’t love waffles), casually ask if he’d like to eat waffles together every morning for the rest of your lives, ideally in a legally recognized union. He’ll be so focused on infinite waffles, his nerves about marriage will disappear.
Let us know if you want us to take your engagement photos. And yes, of course we’ll bring some life-size waffles for you guys to pose with.
I have a very simple question. Can I Eat25?
-Please Help Out
You may think that’s a simple question, PHO, but it’s actually quite complex. It all depends on the earth’s distance from the sun, the moon’s gravitational pull, and the speed of pizza. We’re going to need a bit more information to help out.
Just kidding. It has nothing to do with any of those things. Yes, you can technically Eat25 but we highly encourage you to Eat24 instead.
I caught my best friend and my girlfriend eating pizza on a Wednesday and am extremely upset. I thought it was super disrespectful of the Wing Wednesday tradition and all that it stands for. How can I move past this betrayal?
-Hurt And Mad
Wings are the cornerstone of any relationship and ignoring their sacred nature is is a huge red flag.
However, if you think your best friend and girlfriend are worth it (and it sounds like you do), we recommend this recipe to repair your relationship:
3 orders of Garlic Parm
4 orders of Atomic Heat
3 orders of Sweet Thai
1 order of Caribbean Jerk
and 2 orders of Teriyaki
Once you guys finish all those wings, you’ll know they love wings as much as you and will never betray you again.